I find this thing about Tiger Woods to be fascinating in a very sick manner. Why do people care so much why he crashed his car? Why do they so quickly assume that the only reason his wife would have a golf club and crash the windows of his car is that she is in a fit of jealous rage? Why is the jealous rage-y wife still an interesting storyline for so many in our culture?

Why can't people just let be? I mean, even if he did have an affair and that means oh how the mighty are just as weak and fallible as everyone else, that's just so not interesting. More importantly, I can definitely think of scenarios in which she was using those golf clubs for the exact reason she says she was using them -- to get into a locked car after her husband just crashed it in a bizarre manner. Some of my possible scenarios involve unwellness, so why can't people leave be?

He seems very put together, but you just never know. Have some compassion, people.

kthnx.

1. The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins.

This was a rec from litos and I quite enjoyed it. It's a YA novel, and it has some standard stuff for YA, e.g., romantic angst. But it also explored some interesting issues about society and how individuals behave under certain societal conditions and restraints, and how we can retain our individuality. It also created an interesting world and characters -- very real to me, and very intriguing. I tend to read a lot of reviews of books and movies *after* I've read them, and this book got some dings as well as some raves, both from professional critics and regular readers. Some thought the plot devices used to keep things moving were ridiculous, but this did not bother me at all. I almost wonder if some people read for plot alone and miss meaning, subtlety, etc??? I don't know. Plot devices are plot devices. If I like everything else, a plot device is just part of the construct of the book. Also, I can appreciate a good movie or book for what it is, and this means that an action movie can be a really good action movie without needing to meet the standards of an art house movie. An art house movie has different standards and expectations, and could fail me in far different ways than an action movie could. Finally, if you tickled me in some way -- cleverness, beauty, great characters, fascinating story, made me think for days, any *one* of those -- that is all I ask of you. You do not need to be perfect for me to really enjoy you and recommend you. So, I really enjoyed the Brendan Fraser remake of Journey to the Center of the Earth. Really, I thought it was fun and it kept me engaged throughout. I also really enjoyed watching The Reader even though a few things bothered me, both about the story and the moviemaking.

Uh. Anyway.

This book gave me all of that. I cared about the main character and many others. The world created in this novel was very intriguing. I was interested in how things would evolve plot-wise. I read it quickly, hungrily, and am waiting for the next one even though the only thing that disappointed me was the end and how they . . . well, I almost can't say, can I? Because saying would give away this book. That plot device was a bit disappointing to me. I mean, I wanted the result, but not the way the result was achieved. Too easy. And also, I half didn't want the result. I half wanted to see what would happen if some other result had transpired.

OK, I will stop because that's close to giving you the end if you ever decide to read the book. Which you should. You'll enjoy the ride quite a bit, and it may even make you think. Unless, of course, you get hung up on minor plot devices (that, imo, worked just fine in the construct of the story, boring people who get overly idgy about plot devices) . . . if you're a totally plot-driven person who cannot suspend reality for a small plot point that keeps things moving, then fine. Don't read it. And too bad for you.

2. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, David Sedaris.

First ever David Sedaris read for me. If you like David Sedaris -- either spoken on NPR or in writing -- then you know. David Sedaris explores things that make us uncomfortable.

I wonder how this stands up to his other work. For me, the best stories were *not* those about his family, except perhaps the ones about his brother. Some of the family stories were a bit small for me, and lacked . . . something. Concrete imagery? Connection between the actual story and the meaning? They weren't bad. Just not as good as the non-family stories, the stories about his brother, and the best of David Sedaris. Who does like to make us squirm.

3. The Haunting of Hill House, Shirley Jackson.

I've been wanting to read this forever, so I chose it to inaugurate our new book group (which met for the first time on Friday the 13th). I quite enjoyed it. I like playing with the mind -- where our imaginations can take us and how we can fall apart from the inside, and I like ghost stories. I like to be worked up and not know, or at least, not be sure. To wonder. I thought the writing really helped take the reader there into the story and into the questions and the wondering and the not knowing. Good stuff.

4. Careless in Red, Elizabeth George.

I like Elizabeth George. It's a fact. I had to skip the book before this one, though, because it is not strictly in the Inspector Lynley series and it was holding me back from continuing the Inspector Lynley stories. It's not that I didn't want to read that book, it's that I didn't want to read it *enough*. There is only so much reading time in my life, and my book list keeps growing. So I finally gave in and skipped it.

As for this book, I enjoyed it. It's going in a somewhat different direction than some of the other Lynley mysteries have, imo, and I'm interested to see if the trend continues. Having said that, this was the first time I definitely knew who the killer was, and all about the killer, before I got to the reveal. Maybe that was okay, because she was going in that slightly different direction. It's just that I like not knowing who did it, and I actively try not to know.

That last book was 622 pages and took me longer to read than I'd have liked. Half the month! So now I am behind.

Well, I didn't really mean to be gone so long, and really I need to be gone longer because I have not enough to say, or too much to say but not enough time, or muddled head, or some combination of the three.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. E-boy and I went alone to Chicago because C-man couldn't get off work. We had Thanksgiving, just the family, and a wee bit of family angst as is appropriate for the holiday. We had a trip to the science museum and dinner, partly because we wanted to go out to dinner and partly to celebrate two of the three birthdays we always celebrate over the Thanksgiving break (mom and dad's, 26th and 27th). We had E-boy's family birthday celebration, which involved ice cream cake and great present-giving and a very happy boy. We had mom and dad's annual customer appreciation dinner.

We drove home.

I am at work where I should be working in a frenzied manner on the now never-ending sooper sekrit project and a few other almost equally important things. But I am having a hard time and have only accomplished a few key things today. The push will come later in the week, as my sooper sekrit deadline is Friday.

This week we have birthday cake planning, present shopping, and holiday card thinking and preparing. Thursday is E-boy's birthday, followed by a full weekend of my third and final writing workshop of the year, E-boy's celebration with friends who are not boys from his school, E-boy's birthday celebration with friends who *are* boys from his school, and holiday decorating.

Phew.

I think I know what I'm baking this year in the holiday cookie department. The old favorite, Gramma's frosted cutouts; the new favorite, chai-spiced thumbprints; the cranberry-orange-pistachio drop cookies that I like and that are reasonably healthy for a holiday treat; possibly some sort of chocolate cookie; and either triple ginger cookies or cranberry, candied lemon and white chocolate florentines, or both. The question is, will I have time to make other things as well? I always want to try candies, and I'd love to do a marmalade. I didn't do peppermint bark last year as I'd been having some trouble with it in recent years, which annoyed me because it is supposed to be uber-easy. So I eliminated the bark to eliminate some stress and frustration. I may add it back in if I come across the chocolates I like to use.

Don't freak out that I'm talking about the holidays. In practice, this week is all about a birthday, which only leaves about two and a half weeks for holiday stuff. I need to think holiday in order to be prepared for such a short timeframe and maintain enjoyment rather than stress and angst.

Yesterday I got myself all hepped up in a state of manic that is hard for me to come down from. Work was very busy stressful, and work caused me to forget to go online at my presale start time to buy C-man's tickets. I had put it on my outlook calendar at work, too, and it didn't send me a reminder like it normally does. Stupid work. So by the time I remembered I got myself all in a state because I didn't like the options, and then E-boy brought in the mail with yet another assessment form we have to fill out about him at school, and then I called the whole world and no one was home to help me decide what to do, and then C-man figured out what I was getting him, and then I had to be calm to sit in a movie theater.

It worked out. This morning I bought tickets. More than C-man would like me to pay, but he's gonna have to deal (he will, I know he's secretly excited, but his life state makes it hard for him to feel or demonstrate that). No matter what, they will be good because I've heard those four Irish guys always put on an amazing show. And he hasn't seen them perform since before we got married, so he's due for a good show by his favorite band.

I have decided that my anger over what is happening at the school is a good thing because now I'm starting to be angry at the school rather than just frustrated with my kid. I am his advocate, so I need to be on his side and remembering his good qualities. I was worried that I was looking for a label for him, but based on the two tests his teacher sent home for me to sign (class policy that all parents sign all tests, so this was not unique to him), I have a right to be concerned about him and a right to be angry at the school. Someone had better step up fast.

I've always known that E-boy's strongest talents aren't in areas that traditionally garner success and accolades at elementary school. So this shouldn't be a shock, what we're working on now. But unlike many boys, he doesn't attract attention with disruptive behavior, so they've let him slide. Thus, things are escalating now. I will say this much: He's dang smart enough to know exactly what's going on, to play a bunch of adults off against each other, to not have to do work he doesn't feel like doing, to get the school to let him hang out in the office or even be sent home because he's not feeling up to school. He's smart enough to make smart aleck comments on his papers when he doesn't feel like doing the work. On his math test, instead of doing a set up problems, at the top he's written, in German, something that he tells me means, "wow, this *is* really hard!". This week one of his spelling words was the German version of predicate, but when he came to ask me how to define this in English so that he could figure out in German I was crabby and tired and only looked at it quickly, so I thought this was the the verb predicate, not the noun predicate. And I didn't want to figure out how to define that for him in that moment. I could do it now, but then, in that moment, it was too hard for my brain. So I said, "wow, that is a really hard word. That's like an 8th grade word, not a 3rd grade word. Let me think about it for a little bit." Not long after, he started putting his homework away. "Wait," I said. "What did you do about you last spelling word? We haven't done that one yet." To which he replied, "Oh, I just wrote, 'Not doing this because it's an 8th grade word.'" Uh. I made him show me that he erased that bit.

Finished a big project at work yesterday, one that required enough mental energy and just plain fingers-flying on the keyboard work for more than my alloted eight hours that I have no interest in doing anything today. I think it's gonna have to be a day of desk cleaning and easy email responding. Oh, but there will be a meeting today on the sooper sekrit project, a different aspect of it that requires consultation on the other half of my job responsibilities (thank goodness, no hard questions! just information-giving and scene-setting). It isn't often that both parts of my job -- which both sound unglamorous to the uninitiated -- are key factors in a big project. But in this case, one aspect of my job is actually fairly important to our agency's success on this project, hence the thinking and the researching and the writing and the idea-generating.

A boss is away so we're all going out for lunch to Cafe Latte. Sometimes, bonding is the only way we get through this thing called work.

Did I say I *also* got my first ever massage yesterday? I did and it was good and it was what got me through the day. Not just massage, but also massage with hot stones. Which, apparently is a step beyond your average massage based on reports from colleagues. So, now my first massage not only was good but will have spoiled me forever because I can't imagine a massage experience *without* those wonderful wonderful hot stones.

~ friends around while getting ready for Friday evening at my house -- a double win
~ a new bookgroup, with new and familiar faces, and good chemistry, and lots of good reading ideas
~ early morning elliptical
~ haircuts for me and the boy at the local hair salon, followed by warm drink treats at the local coffeeshop (local = good)
~ pilates
~ boy-child to Science Museum for a class
~ reading, errands, groceries, an afternoon game
~ semi-purchasing of C-man's holiday present, which should be a surprise, hopefully a big win, and unfortunately expensive (fingers crossed that it all comes together as planned, because right now I am relying on four Irish guys to follow through on a predicted tour date before I can score this present)
~ salad and homemade pizza for dinner
~ family watching of Coraline (good) and some movie called Body of Lies (fell asleep within 10 minutes, not my kind of movie)
~ french toast with leftover bread
~ fun with friends, including more tasty treats and peeling of lemons for future limoncello
~ 4-H, where we did fun water experiments and resist painting
~ really trashed the day foodwise, but forged ahead anyway
~ salad and apple cranberry crisp for dinner (yes, I know we had that last week, but we like it and I have a lot of cranberries to use)
~ Amazing Race and a good new Masterpiece Contemporary on PBS
~ again, too early to bed, so got back up and read a mystery
~ my work on the sooper sekrit project will mostly be done this week

Week ahead:

~ swimming (boy) and elliptical (me), mom-n-son evening and dinner together (mac n cheese with broccoli), and writing tonight
~ lots of frantic work to make bosses happy and not be in the doghouse
~ thinking about Mom and Dad's birthday and holiday presents
~ start getting E-boy's birthday and holiday presents sorted
~ there's some kind of social hour for the school tomorrow that I'm supposed to go to because I'm nominally on the committee, but I may skip it
~ massage and a movie and writing on Wednesday
~ maybe back to our usual Friday for once?
~ wheels on the car go round and round on Saturday (the guys who did $1000 worth of work last week said I really need two new tires before we go to Chicago, and it's partly because I neglected to get some of that $1000 of work done earlier) but otherwise I think my Saturday is wiiiiide open

I was so very disappointed in John Cusack, one of my most special celebrity crushes, for participating in something so dumb as yet another apocalyptic disaster movie. But then I read Ebert's review and he amused me, so I am somewhat less disappointed in Cusack.

Ebert says: "It's not so much that the Earth is destroyed, but that it's done so thoroughly. '2012,' the mother of all disaster movies (and the father, and the extended family) spends half an hour on ominous set-up scenes . . . and then unleashes two hours of cataclysmic special events hammering the Earth relentlessly.

This is fun. '2012' delivers what it promises, and since no sentient being will buy a ticket expecting anything else, it will be, for its audiences, one of the most satisfactory films of the year. It even has real actors in it.

. . . Cusack is the hero . . . He does a lot of heroic stuff in this film, especially for a novelist, like leaping a van over a yawning chasm and flying a small plane through roiling clouds of earthquake dust."

Yes, that bit about the heroic novelist amused me. We all know that novelists have lots of physical experience and are perfectly ready to leap vans over yawning chasms at a moment's notice. He gives it 3.5 stars for doing its genre so well, or, at least, so thoroughly.

In other news, I absentmindedly missed a step yesterday, and of course was coming down on my injured knee, onto slightly slanted concrete, no less, so now it is jammed and I feel stupid.

Also in other news, I made actual phone calls yesterday (I hate using the phone, and this sometimes hampers my ability to perform basic adult functions), managing to get actual things done, so now my car is being fixed and my hair and the boy's hair soon will be a little bit more stylish. Otherwise, I did not do much. I ate unhealthy things, drank tea, and sat in the sunshine under a blanket on my couch and read nearly 200 pages of haunted house story. I don't know how many people in our newly forming bookgroup will bother to read the book, and that's okay because we're new and it was just a fun selection to get the juices flowing, but I'm glad I read it. After I got through the first 20 pages or so, I started getting into it and eventually discovered that all the recs and reviews I'd read were right . . . a great haunted house story.

Oh, and then the boy and I cleaned out the car.

I am feeling very busy these days. Most lunch hours are booked, if not with the gym then with other things, and we are busy all of this weekend and most of next, and there are midweek things and I semi-promised crafts and baked goods for the school sale next weekend, and then it is Thanksgiving, and then it is the boy's birthday, and then it is the winter holidays. Hello roller coaster, nice to meet you.

Tomorrow I am acting as the designated vegetarian taster of appetizers that we will serve at the Maskenball. It is funny that something as simple and self-serving as appetizer tasting gets to count as doing my part for fundraising at E-boy's school. But it does! Yay!

E-boy, walking home from swimming lessons, reading a street sign: Blair Avenue. . . . That's a dumb name for a street!

Me, wishing he wouldn't be so negative, *again*: Why is that a dumb name for a street? It seems like a perfectly regular, just fine name to me.

E-boy: If *I* named a street, I would name it something more interesting, like Awesome Avenue.

E-boy: Or Dimensional Portal.

E-boy: Or Dragon Fire Lane.

Me: (thinking) Okay, then. I guess he's got me there. It would be more interesting to live on Dimensional Portal than on Blair Avenue.

~~~~

I think that all of us who are on the pro-choice pro-woman side of the abortion debate should write our senators and reps to say if they are unable to get rid of a dumb amendment that takes away existing health care rights for women, then at the very least they should pass a partner amendment saying that no participating health care plan can cover Viagra or similar treatments to enhance sexual ability/performance/drive.

~~~~

Not that any of you followed up in the local media at all yesterday, but in fact the project I am working on was extensively covered, in much the way I suggested . . . the facts of the overarching project were discussed, not specifically what we are doing. The articles highlight why this is a critical project. While officially not the end of the world, the way we are positioned now, we will look bad if we fail.

~~~~

Adding good balsamic vinegar can turn even the quickest, canned tomato-based spaghetti sauce from Monday night frenzied rush at home to yummy, savorable, restaurant quality dinner.

~~~~

I am noodling with four possible fiction ideas. [Also two or three non-fiction ideas.] I think my plan is to freewrite on them for a while until something starts to shape up. I also am going to start participating in some weekly writing assignments. In 2010, I may start posting some of this weekly and freewriting here, but no promises yet.

~~~~

I have always liked the Pet Shop Boys, even though certain djs on a certain hip local radio station dinged them last week. I am making it a goal to get some of their more recent imports, because apparently they've been doing some really good work of late, but none of it comes stateside.

~~~~

There are red velvet cupcakes here today and my sweet tooth is on a bit of a rampage. That's not fair!

~ bookgroup, with funny conversation about how maybe we should have our menfolk try the ouija board, or truth or dare
~ good friends and good food, and David Sedaris on the side, what more could one want?
~ lazy Saturday morning, including tea and reading on the backstoop on the perfect fall day
~ pilates, still digging it
~ family trip to the big zoo on a randomly gorgeous November Saturday, free thanks to library
~ evening birthday party attended by the boy-child, who was a Magi named Arius for the evening (he's in the Shadow clan)
~ the mall on a Saturday night, who'da thunk it?
~ people watching is my favorite hobby
~ especially when I have wine and soup and a partner in crime
~ dozed during one of those Mummy movies, but that was just a perk of the evening, not an evening-ender
~ day-long writers workshop that was a nice toes-on-the-other-foot-now back into that world
~ tired though, brain on a long time
~ shopped a full grocery shop at the crowded co-op in less than 20 minutes; yes I do rock the grocery world
~ green salad and cranberry apple crisp makes a lovely Sunday dinner
~ to bed too early, not sleepy
~ finished a very good book, thanks for the tip, yo
~ oops, asleep on the couch again, and look, they air Monk on free teevee Channel 45 late at night (my sleepy brain was so confused, kept trying to turn off a dvd until it half-realized we don't have any Monk dvds in the house)
~ Fox 9 news trucks in the parking lot when I arrived at work
~ turns out they may be here related to sooper sekrit project, best get thoughts brewing

I have sparkly pinky-orangey-melony fingernails as I type this. I wear nail polish like never, but I was inspired for my costume, and have enjoyed it so much that I am still wearing it, in fact, re-did it because I had destroyed the first application within a day (part of why I wear polish like never). It is especially fun in the sunlight.

So -- sorry in advance to the wiccans but I adore witches, including most of their stereotypes -- I was a wacky witch, a contrast of a fairly skimming, revealing black dress and high heels (and requisite pointy hat) with gorgeous stripey over-the-knee socks in pink and orange and red, and my hair in ponytails . . . one half of my head blue, the other pink. So, now I know that if I ever get around to extensions or actually dying streaks into my hair, I will have pink streaks because it looked good on me. [I'd wanted orange as the other side to the pink, but the only color the store did not stock was orange. I'd also wanted a brighter lipstick color, or purple or blue, but I could not find those at Target and wasn't going back to the beauty supply shop, so I was stuck with my usual pretty deep red. It looked good with the pink hair.]

I don't have a picture because I didn't have the camera out on Friday for the party, and I did not re-dress for trick-or-treating on Saturday. Just wore the hat.

So there was a party on Friday and that was fun. Saturday I wore my faded hair to the gym, where I have decided that mat pilates is a fine substitute to bodyflow. In fact, the benefit of being forced not to do my usual routines is that I am stretching more to try other things, and now when I add bodyflow/yoga back to my routine, I will keep the separate pilates class. There was grocery shopping and homework and pumpkin carving. I made E-boy's requested Halloween dinner, chili, and we went to the library. On the way home, we walked in the daylight past the scariest house in our neighborhood, which really goes all out with its decorations, but they definitely fall into the gore-y scary camp, which is not my favorite type of scare either for me or for my kid. But he wanted to go look and challenge himself, so I let him and just talked about the gore a bit. We went home to eat our chili, then he got dressed and when it was dark enough and we'd seen a few other trick-or-treaters out, we went. I'd say on the blocks we hit, of the houses participating about half had some sort of decoration up, and many went all out. We encountered witches and werewolves and other creatures, all deciding to be nice and give the mad scientist some candy. I do love our neighborhood, it's very fun and progressive and full of people doing interesting things.

I fell asleep watching some movie E-boy had picked up from the library, Catch that Kid.

Sunday was rest day. All I did was dishes and map out the backyard before it is too late -- already, it's imperfect at best because of the done-for-the-season perennials and the many leaves covering them up, making them both hard to find and hard to identify. My plan to start seriously cleaning the office did not come to pass. Oh well. Good to have a rest day, since we'd been quite busy and we'll be busy again very soon.

October books were a struggle, partly because I had a guest and was trying to integrate my own writing back into my routine (still trying on that one, honestly, more than succeeding), and partly because one of the books wore. me. out.

First, The Pretend Wife, by Bridget Asher. I quite enjoyed this book, more than I expected to that's for sure. I expected it to be crappy writing and shallow characterization and plot. The writing was not the most complex writing going, you know, no major lyrical phrasing here, but it was good enough. And the story was better than I expected. The author had something to say about love and history with her main character, and I thought she succeeded. I would call this good lite reading.

Second, The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz. I was supposed to like this book because I like creative intellectual literary novels. It is supposed to be the work of a writing genius. Unfortunately, I really had to work to read this book. It was well-written and had a very strong voice but I did not connect with the story or the voice in the way that all the critics must have. Plus, I've read about the evils of the Dominican Republic before, so when the book moved to the DR, that actually was less interesting to me than the parts that focused on the main character in the states, although . . . cool to have the connection between stateside immigrant community and homeland. The narrator kept me separate from the story, I think, since we didn't really know who he was -- he was only tangentially related to the story -- as did all those cruddy footnotes, as did my lack of any knowledge of Spanish, because he used it more than a little and he generally didn't provide any subtle English translation for those of us who lack Spanish. [I don't fault him for that, I actually applaud him because I think we should honor other cultures and languages as equal to ours, but it did hinder my understanding a bit.] I . . . just finished this book yesterday . . . and feel that I need to think about it more, because I didn't *dis*like it, just, didn't love it or appreciate it enough, I think. It took a lot of risks and bent a lot of rules, so I wish I'd liked it more. From me, this book gets a vote of good, but hard work and not as good as I'd expected.

That's it. That 337-page book took it all out of me. So much so that I finished it last night and am already gratefully 57 pages into my *next* book.

I do feel that I am standing at the very edge of a cliff, preparing to jump off. I know that that all will be well, that there's a bed of feathers just under the overhang, that even if I fall the landing will be easy. The sky is clear soft blue, the sunlight is everywhere diffuse and gentle, the air is warm. All I have to do is jump, and probably I can fly, or if I don't, I'll marvel in the feeling of lying in a bed of feathers.

I cried when I presented my (very unfinished) draft last night.

I want to. And I'm scared. But I can't let fear be in my way anymore.

.
.
.

The crying surprised me; I didn't know I was going to cry until I was in it and there was no stopping it. I'm still processing it and pleased that I have some good ideas about where it came from. I realized something big yesterday, about what I've always wanted to write, and I took a step down that road.

The reality is, crying while working on writing is never a bad thing unless it stops you, because crying means you've reached something.

E-boy: I know what Broadway is. It's a place where famous actors go to show off.

Mondays are hard.

Some days I'm not sure I'm cut out for this parenting gig; I'm messing him up too much.

But other days, he says things that make me laugh or think or just goggle in amazement, and I don't care how bad I am at this job, because I know we're inextricably connected in that moment.

Hmm. I didn’t win anything at the Auflauf. That’s okay. ( Auflauf navel-gazing back here )

Clearly, I am not the target audience for a hotdish competition.

My dish was only okay, so I am not offended that it didn’t wow other people (although, honestly, I really do think it was better than that fake chicken and broccoli dish, and so were two other dishes in the veg category). I made a butternut squash, mushroom, and navy bean casserole with goat cheese. It also had a crispy breadcrumb topping. I sort of made this up, using two dishes as inspiration. Both would have asked for more goat cheese than I put in, and while usually I find that recipes call for too much goat cheese, including one of my inspirations, which I’d made before, in this case my dish needed more goat cheese. I also couldn’t taste the sage I’d put in at all. This dish would be very good on a thanksgiving table, though, if doctored up with more goat cheese and maybe less navy beans so that the flavor of the roasted butternut squash and caramelized mushrooms could stand out more.

( more intense Auflauf idea-spinning back here )

I had thought of making a second dish, but didn’t get around to it. I made that on Saturday, and it was tastier than the first dish, probably would have been a better option for the Auflauf, though I think it still wouldn’t have won based on the types of dishes that did win. This one was inspired by the fact that my favorite way to eat butternut squash is in curried butternut squash soup. That made me think Indian. My other inspiration, as I mentioned last week, was Moosewood’s Chilean butternut squash casserole, which I came across searching online. I thought and thought and thought and didn’t want corn in my Indian dish, or cheddar cheese. I could only think of chickpeas and spinach, sparked by another favorite dish of mine, something like Indian-flavored chickpeas and spinach with charred onions and rice. In the end, I did combine them, and the taste was good but did not compare to either of the two original inspirations, the soup or the yummy chickpeas and spinach dish. Still it was good, and warm and comforting, and quite healthy.

Kate’s Indian-spiced butternut squash casserole with mint yogurt sauce ( recipe back here )

My knee is telling me that I won't be back to my old exercise routine any time soon. I suppose there's nothing I can do but live with that. I've managed to incorporate most of my old cardio days back into my daily life this week, although the routines are shorter and less intense. I did two days back-to-back of 20 minutes on the elliptical, manual at a very low intensity level, and the knee told me that was too much. Fine, then. Back to 15 minutes per session.

Yesterday I went to a pilates class, a preliminary substitute for fitness yoga, which will substitute for body flow until I can go back to that. The class was pretty good, and she did very few exercises that asked anything at all of the knees (which was what I was hoping for and why I chose pilates for my first step back in). However, at one point she told us to go into child's pose and I didn't even think, just did it. Yeah, so, I think I'll be doing pilates for a lot longer than I'd originally intended. Ouch! And it *still* hurts this morning. Body flow, which definitely puts a lot of twisting and strength-holding demands on the knees, is a long way off. I love body flow and miss it so much. I need to find someone who goes to the yoga class to find out what kinds of poses the teacher typically likes to use to gauge how long to wait for that class. The suburban Y I go to with Marikay sometimes at lunch does tai chi instruction . . . I wonder if I could do that as well. Must check schedule. I bet it's a bunch of little old men and women, but I kind of enjoy tai chi, and something like that might help me miss body flow less.

I am counting PT as strength training, because they claim it is strengthening the muscles that stabilize the kneecap, but I remain unconvinced that much is happening, and it's not very strenuous. Still, I'm counting it. At this rate, I may never be back in body pump. I will miss it, but not nearly as much as I'd miss body flow if I had to give that up for good. My Y doesn't have great strength training options beyond body pump and the machines, which are not my favorite approach to strength training. There are these bodyvive classes, which are a combo of cardio and strength work that seems more about using your own body weight resistance, and I'm toying with trying those. But I went to the website to learn more about the class, and the description says something about how it's "ideal for active adults in their 40s, 50s, and 60s." Even worse, based on the described sample moves, I bet it will be too hard on my knee, at least for the next week or two.

Sigh. I am not in my 40s, 50s, and 60s, but apparently my body thinks it is, and I am forced to consider classes for active older adults, and fitness forms that are renowned because lots of Chinese elderly practice them in giant groups in Shanghai parks. I am feeling some self-pity right about now.

The other day, E-boy said that, yes, he'd like to be a chef for his job, but only after he has been a scientist first. At this point, all signs indicate he'll be well-suited to either, or both.

He's had some amazing bon mots lately, but of course they're all escaping me now. He alternatively sounds like a high falutin' and overly perceptive professor, and the creator of some new space alien super-hero combo video game.

He also has progessed from Guppy 2 to Minnow. He is with the same group of kids, though. When his teacher told him that he could be a Minnow after lessons last week, he freaked out and said he didn't want to be a Minnow because he didn't want to go into the next lane and swim with either one of those other groups. I assured him that his group was Guppy/Minnow combo. In his shoes, I've have been worried about moving over into the other lanes, too, where the Fish, Flying Fish, and Sharks all show off their talents and look eons ahead of the Guppies and the Minnows.

I've been feeling very idgy lately. That is my made-up word for a bit emotionally itchy and prickly and sensitive in all areas of life, with no real cause that I can see. I'm just . . . a bit off, and idgy about it, like when I'm with people who are walking too slowly and my legs start to phantom itch because I need to walk faster. It is all about me, definitely, and I know this, but unfortunately it manifests as being focused on all the people around me. She is bugging me, and her too, and that one over there, him, and her over there, and that dude, too. Kinda driving me crazy, as I would like not be so sensitive about every little thing that every single person does, or doesn't do, or says, or doesn't say, etc etc ad infinitum.

I'm struggling with what to bring to this Friday's potluck cookoff for E-boy's school. I don't know this group, so I have no idea what to expect in terms of how they eat or cook. The way I cook isn't necessarily easy for others to copy unless they cook like me. Seasonally, emphasis on ingredients and a bit of spontaneity. I've noticed that most people, dare I tread into troubled waters and say even many foodies that I know, don't cook like this. I haven't had any flashes of inspiration or creativity, which means that whatever I make could be untested (since I won't be doing any practice cooking today or tomorrow), unless I make something I've made before. I had thought of making something that others could replicate easily but would still be tasty -- there were rumors that our recipes would have to go in a collected cookbook -- but now I am leaning toward a more labor-intensive but yummy roasted butternut squash and mushroom lasagna.

Other things that I was trying to use for ideas:

I saw a recipe online based on a Moosewood recipe for a butternut squash casserole that seemed easy and got lots of rave reviews, which I thought of turning into something more Indian-inspired or ramping up the Mexican existing in the dish, but if there is lots of flavorful unhealthy goodness in the other offerings, this could get overlooked (the horror, it was so healthy it didn't have any cheese *or* non-veg carbs!).

Two of our favorite casseroles, which I won't make because they're not my ideas; I was hoping they would inspire me, though, but they haven't yet. One is a very yummy and relatively easy pasta, cauliflower, and tomato bake. The name is deceptive. It is so tasty. It has cream rather than cheese, a bit of red pepper flakes for zing, I think an herb, and a toasted bread crumb topping. We gobble this up. The other favorite of ours is a navy bean, goat cheese, and artichoke casserole. Also amazing. A fairly healthy flavor bomb, and good comfort food. But I didn't come up with it myself and I think it's just unique enough that using it would feel like cheating to me.

But now that I am randomly typing, I think the goat cheese could be something I could steal if I decide not to go with the lasagna. It's the goat cheese and the crispy bread crumbs and the smooth beans that make this dish so comforting and tasty. The artichokes don't hurt, but I think other veggies could work well, too.

I make a tex-mex pasta bake that is loosely based on a vegetarian 'mexican' lasagna I took out of an old Cooking Light magazine. The pasta bake is very tasty, but there's nothing particularly wow about it.

The dish I'd been tossing around but am not happy with was sort of like this, a deconstructed version of a butternut squash lasagna, with white beans and chunks of squash, some canned tomatoes, and pasta, and the main ingredients to be doctored up with herbs and spices and dairy. I could potentially tweak this with the goat cheese and bread crumbs, maybe a more interesting veg to add . . .

This weekend was mostly fun and productive, and also partly about just making it through having a houseguest without any major fights or meltdowns. Sometimes, that's just how it rolls, right? I've had some insights about Brits versus Americans that have intrigued me and helped me chill a bit. I also had some insights about my own motivations, background, and desires, and how it's shaped what I expect from my partner. So, that's cool, I guess. But I haven't had any time or space to *talk* about those insights with my partner, so we are just trying to coast through to the end with the smallest amount of mutual resentment possible. He sure has pushed some of my buttons, and it is amazing how little self-knowledge he apparently has, so deep has he buried things. How much button-pushing does he get away with due to his emotional incapacities? Not much more.

Houseguests. Gotta love 'em.

But the weekend.

The farmers' market was great. I got so much stuff. Three kinds of winter squash, red bell peppers, sweet frying peppers, alliums of various sorts, still more apples, broccoli, even fresh shiitake mushrooms. On the way home I stopped at the gym to use the elliptical for a full 15 minutes (uh, woohoo?). I think the elliptical is good now. No pain during or after. So, 20 minutes three times this week and if all goes well, increasing to near-normal workouts next week.

We walked around Lake Calhoun, which was lovely. My knee hurt terribly beginning about halfway through (I wasn't really supposed to be walking for exercise yet), but it recovered a bit afterwards, and didn't hurt much at all the next day. That is progress, and also is my knee giving my stubborn streak a break. So, I think walking will soon be back in the mix, too, maybe next week or the week after. Just, you know, not necessarily 3.5 miles to start (that was the lake plus into uptown for coffee, and back to the car).

Lots of games were played. Ticket to Ride, Alhambra, Loot. Lots of Bones Season 4 was watched. We're done now. The end was not as interesting as I thought it would be -- lots of interesting teasing throughout the season, but very little follow-through, and we all know how much we like all tease all the time with no follow through ever -- and I can't decide how I feel about the Brennan character anymore.

We got the backyard cleaned up -- all the plants out, pots emptied, etc. Where there was jungle, there is empty space, waiting for next year. I also made my diagram of the front garden, where so much change has occurred. Now it can snow and I will not panic that I won't remember where this year's perennials are located. Still need to do the back side shade garden diagram, but that is not so urgent. I also hung my gorgeous rainbow-colored corn, and cleaned and sprayed the pumpkins we'd picked up at the apple orchard last week, so they are ready for display by the front entrance. Sprayed? You may choose to think I am obsessive, which I am, a bit, though I'm far from the most obsessive person going, but I am trying lacquer spray on my outdoor pumpkins. They do look clean and shiny, but that's not why. This is my attempt to keep the squirrels from taking random tiny bites out of the outdoor winter squash, thus causing them to decay before their time. I had thought of using some sort of squirrel repellant like a hot pepper spray, but (a) we all know how well those work and (b) I figured I'd probably have to reapply that a lot. So, trying lacquer.

We've eaten well. Salad, spaghetti with slow roasted tomatoes, and apple crisp on Friday. Cheese fondue with bread and veggies to dip on Saturday. Potato and leek gratin with a side of sauteed sweet frying peppers yesterday.

Yesterday while E-boy was at 4H, I sat in the coffee shop and wrote for a bit instead of either hanging out at 4H (it's only 1-1/2 hours) or going back home to hang out. I am finding bits of time here and there to sit and write -- mostly assignments from workshop or jotting ideas, but still better than before. I now have at least seven ideas to partially fleshed out ideas, and one full-on piece actually started. Just need to keep this going when Marianne leaves and I have my headspace back again. [I am giving myself a break from pressure about actually working on writing a planned piece until she leaves, since headspace is hard to come by at this point.] I think I have a partial plan for how to shoehorn in the writing time, and how to balance that with shoehorning in workout time.

Oh, and apparently, I am funny. A dry kind of funny. Witty, to be precise. Who knew? And this is said to be a rare thing in someone who grew up in the midwest. [But we from the Chicago area don't really call ourselves midwesterners, anyway. We are Chicagoans. That's a different thing, right?] I may work on using my wit for evil instead of for good. That could be fun, and a bit out of character.

I kinda like it:

Aquarius

Writing in The New Yorker, Adam Gopnik named two characters from literature that well-educated people tend to identify with. "Men choose Hamlet because every man sees himself as a disinherited monarch," he said, while "women choose Alice [in Wonderland] because every woman sees herself as the only reasonable creature among crazy people who think that they are disinherited monarchs." That's a funny thought in light of your current omens, Aquarius, which suggest that you're a reasonable creature who clearly sees how much you're like a disinherited monarch. The omens go on to say that there's a good chance you will have excellent intuition about what to do in order to at least partially restore yourself to power.

At work, I can access part of lj, but not my friends page. That is banned by the network as social networking. So I wasted time checking all the likely suspects pages individually to see if they had posted anything. Much more time consuming than just peeking at my friends page.

And when I walked out to the car today, a little pile of heavy wet snow fell off a tree branch and onto my head. Yippee! It's quite pretty, really, but far too early. We haven't had much of a fall this year.

We had a good weekend, with two visitors in the house for much of it. I didn't make it to the baby shower and I felt guilt about that, but I really just wanted to hang out with family -- we ended up at a new and sweet apple orchard. I don't know why, but I am feeling socially challenged these days, sensitive and prickly. Plus, um, I love my friends, but I don't really love baby showers all that much. I'm sorry, don't hate me.

So. What is a weekend? Thai food. The mall (I bought stuff too!, it wasn't just the usual shoppers who partook in the experience). A silly kids' movie. Pizza delivered, wine, and games. Too many episodes of Bones. Apple crisp purposely made for breakfast, not merely left over. A brother and a mother in law, chats in the kitchen, and much use of the coffee pot and the tea kettle. A random friendly rottweiler in the backyard. The apple orchard (where they had live music which was quite fun, and yet still a calmer atmosphere than our two usual apple orchards). The craft store. An accidentally expensive trip to TJ's. Soup for dinner.

I need to find the neighbors today to see if they heard anything about that rottweiler and whether its owner was found. Because, much as our house is too small, and much as I don't love the idea of living with a dog, this was a very sweet and charming dog. And I know my husband enjoyed him quite a bit. And I'd rather live with a sweet and charming and smelly (imo, almost all dogs = smelly) dog in my too-small house and yard, than have something bad happen to it.

I'm back in SONAR land at work, and making progress. I am sure it will all be for naught, but it will be a good SONAR no matter what.

The boy had a fever yesterday evening, so he had to stay home from school today. I am going to go rescue his nana soon. I have a feeling he is well now, but we'll see when I get home -- some of the bugs going around are deceptive, or so I've heard. Despite the fever, he still had trouble falling asleep, and was upstairs chatting and giggling to himself, reading far too long, getting out of bed, etc. Then this morning at 6:30, he was up and insisting I let him listen to the radio while he went on and on to his half-asleep dad about all things bakugan.

The mother-in-law visit is in its early stages but fine so far. Of course, her son has yet to schedule any activities or time off to be with her, and that is ticking me off on her behalf, but that is not my problem. Must learn to disengage. I am thinking that this is part of the bottling up and shelving away of his feelings and responses, and I wonder if he even knows it. Or I could just be reading too much into it, because it's not like I have any tendencies to dissect the behaviors and underlying emotions of others or anything like that. Who, me?

Because we were all so chilled from the yucky weather yesterday, I made soup from things in the fridge for dinner instead of something more interesting. But it was tasty. Onions and carrots and garlic and red bell pepper and potatoes and kale and white beans and garden herbs and lemon. And a bit of asiago on top for serving. And apple raspberry crisp for dessert. I have plans involving frozen tortellini and dark-skinned garden tomatoes for tonight's dinner. Alas, I think I bought the butternut squash kind instead of the mushroom kind, so it won't be quite as ideal as I'd like, but still good.

I have a new author crush -- I'm enjoying this book quite a bit (it's not high literary art, but it is well-written, easy, insightful, visual, and speaking to me) and for some reason went to the author's website and discovered that she is cool and has good tips for writers and is a pen name for a woman who has written quite a bit and seems quirky but in a girl-next-door, everyone else probably presumes she's mainstream kinda way. Like me. I'm not even jealous, just inspired. www.bridgetasher.com.

My knee is feeling better but when will I be able to run? I don't think anything is different yet, so if I try to run, I have a feeling the same old problem will recur. But I *am* ready to go back to the cardio room at the gym over tomorrow's lunch hour.

I think that's all I've got for now.

Movies I want to see (but how will I find the time?):

The Informant
Whip It
A Serious Man
Zombieland
The Invention of Lying
Capitalism: A Love Story
Disgrace

Today someone else will clean my house. I expect them to think us disgusting creatures because, other than straightening and washing one simple thing that gets really gross and was super-duper obvious, I did not clean gross things in preparation for their arrival. There is much extreme grossness left for them to tackle. Muchly muchly. And I know where it is, so I'll be checking it to see how thorough they are. I've heard that other people let their embarrassment drive them to clean before the cleaning folks arrive. I am letting my distaste for cleaning and the significant amount of money I'm shelling out drive me to not care that they will see how little we clean our house. I mean, clearly, there's a reason I'm paying a cleaning service to clean my house and it isn't because I do lots of cleaning.

I've been thinking about connections and how much I do or do not have in common with people lately, and how much that does or does not matter. It's been interesting thinking. I don't know if it will lead anywhere, like friendships strengthening or weakening, or forming where there are none, or becoming something different, or like writing projects developing (some of my random idea notes have sprung from this thinking, but not the things I actually want to write about).

Here's a Friday semi-confession that sprung from this thinking on Monday, when I walked by a Pottery Barn, and again today when I saw a Crate and Barrel ad. I like these stores. I've shopped at these stores. A lot of the people I spend irl or virtual time with do not, and I think actively even scoff (at least in their heads) these stores as quotidien, bourgouis, the opposite of individual style. But I like them. I also like hipster trash style, and modern country style, eclectic color-based style, and artsy style, and snobby loft style, when they're done as a style and not as a lack of effort, but the reality is, it takes a lot of work to have real individual style in your home, as opposed to the other choices, which I think mostly are (a) no style and (b) style purchased from a store. Since I do not have the energy to have real individual style permeating my house, I'm okay with some of choice (b) being in my house. Because it's pretty, and comfortable.

Isn't it fascinating that I think I *do* have the energy to have real individual style in my yard and garden, but not my house? I've been thinking about that. It has something to do with pressure, but I'm not sure what it is. (And that's not all it is, either. There's at least two other aspects to the problem.) When I look at the kitchen, I know exactly what I want it to look like, but that project has languished for two years now. In fact, in almost every room of the house, I know what I want to do but I haven't done it.

A confession that leads to more pondering. Those are the best kind.