I have sparkly pinky-orangey-melony fingernails as I type this. I wear nail polish like never, but I was inspired for my costume, and have enjoyed it so much that I am still wearing it, in fact, re-did it because I had destroyed the first application within a day (part of why I wear polish like never). It is especially fun in the sunlight.

So -- sorry in advance to the wiccans but I adore witches, including most of their stereotypes -- I was a wacky witch, a contrast of a fairly skimming, revealing black dress and high heels (and requisite pointy hat) with gorgeous stripey over-the-knee socks in pink and orange and red, and my hair in ponytails . . . one half of my head blue, the other pink. So, now I know that if I ever get around to extensions or actually dying streaks into my hair, I will have pink streaks because it looked good on me. [I'd wanted orange as the other side to the pink, but the only color the store did not stock was orange. I'd also wanted a brighter lipstick color, or purple or blue, but I could not find those at Target and wasn't going back to the beauty supply shop, so I was stuck with my usual pretty deep red. It looked good with the pink hair.]

I don't have a picture because I didn't have the camera out on Friday for the party, and I did not re-dress for trick-or-treating on Saturday. Just wore the hat.

So there was a party on Friday and that was fun. Saturday I wore my faded hair to the gym, where I have decided that mat pilates is a fine substitute to bodyflow. In fact, the benefit of being forced not to do my usual routines is that I am stretching more to try other things, and now when I add bodyflow/yoga back to my routine, I will keep the separate pilates class. There was grocery shopping and homework and pumpkin carving. I made E-boy's requested Halloween dinner, chili, and we went to the library. On the way home, we walked in the daylight past the scariest house in our neighborhood, which really goes all out with its decorations, but they definitely fall into the gore-y scary camp, which is not my favorite type of scare either for me or for my kid. But he wanted to go look and challenge himself, so I let him and just talked about the gore a bit. We went home to eat our chili, then he got dressed and when it was dark enough and we'd seen a few other trick-or-treaters out, we went. I'd say on the blocks we hit, of the houses participating about half had some sort of decoration up, and many went all out. We encountered witches and werewolves and other creatures, all deciding to be nice and give the mad scientist some candy. I do love our neighborhood, it's very fun and progressive and full of people doing interesting things.

I fell asleep watching some movie E-boy had picked up from the library, Catch that Kid.

Sunday was rest day. All I did was dishes and map out the backyard before it is too late -- already, it's imperfect at best because of the done-for-the-season perennials and the many leaves covering them up, making them both hard to find and hard to identify. My plan to start seriously cleaning the office did not come to pass. Oh well. Good to have a rest day, since we'd been quite busy and we'll be busy again very soon.

October books were a struggle, partly because I had a guest and was trying to integrate my own writing back into my routine (still trying on that one, honestly, more than succeeding), and partly because one of the books wore. me. out.

First, The Pretend Wife, by Bridget Asher. I quite enjoyed this book, more than I expected to that's for sure. I expected it to be crappy writing and shallow characterization and plot. The writing was not the most complex writing going, you know, no major lyrical phrasing here, but it was good enough. And the story was better than I expected. The author had something to say about love and history with her main character, and I thought she succeeded. I would call this good lite reading.

Second, The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz. I was supposed to like this book because I like creative intellectual literary novels. It is supposed to be the work of a writing genius. Unfortunately, I really had to work to read this book. It was well-written and had a very strong voice but I did not connect with the story or the voice in the way that all the critics must have. Plus, I've read about the evils of the Dominican Republic before, so when the book moved to the DR, that actually was less interesting to me than the parts that focused on the main character in the states, although . . . cool to have the connection between stateside immigrant community and homeland. The narrator kept me separate from the story, I think, since we didn't really know who he was -- he was only tangentially related to the story -- as did all those cruddy footnotes, as did my lack of any knowledge of Spanish, because he used it more than a little and he generally didn't provide any subtle English translation for those of us who lack Spanish. [I don't fault him for that, I actually applaud him because I think we should honor other cultures and languages as equal to ours, but it did hinder my understanding a bit.] I . . . just finished this book yesterday . . . and feel that I need to think about it more, because I didn't *dis*like it, just, didn't love it or appreciate it enough, I think. It took a lot of risks and bent a lot of rules, so I wish I'd liked it more. From me, this book gets a vote of good, but hard work and not as good as I'd expected.

That's it. That 337-page book took it all out of me. So much so that I finished it last night and am already gratefully 57 pages into my *next* book.

I do feel that I am standing at the very edge of a cliff, preparing to jump off. I know that that all will be well, that there's a bed of feathers just under the overhang, that even if I fall the landing will be easy. The sky is clear soft blue, the sunlight is everywhere diffuse and gentle, the air is warm. All I have to do is jump, and probably I can fly, or if I don't, I'll marvel in the feeling of lying in a bed of feathers.

I cried when I presented my (very unfinished) draft last night.

I want to. And I'm scared. But I can't let fear be in my way anymore.

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The crying surprised me; I didn't know I was going to cry until I was in it and there was no stopping it. I'm still processing it and pleased that I have some good ideas about where it came from. I realized something big yesterday, about what I've always wanted to write, and I took a step down that road.

The reality is, crying while working on writing is never a bad thing unless it stops you, because crying means you've reached something.

E-boy: I know what Broadway is. It's a place where famous actors go to show off.

Mondays are hard.

Some days I'm not sure I'm cut out for this parenting gig; I'm messing him up too much.

But other days, he says things that make me laugh or think or just goggle in amazement, and I don't care how bad I am at this job, because I know we're inextricably connected in that moment.

Hmm. I didn’t win anything at the Auflauf. That’s okay. ( Auflauf navel-gazing back here )

Clearly, I am not the target audience for a hotdish competition.

My dish was only okay, so I am not offended that it didn’t wow other people (although, honestly, I really do think it was better than that fake chicken and broccoli dish, and so were two other dishes in the veg category). I made a butternut squash, mushroom, and navy bean casserole with goat cheese. It also had a crispy breadcrumb topping. I sort of made this up, using two dishes as inspiration. Both would have asked for more goat cheese than I put in, and while usually I find that recipes call for too much goat cheese, including one of my inspirations, which I’d made before, in this case my dish needed more goat cheese. I also couldn’t taste the sage I’d put in at all. This dish would be very good on a thanksgiving table, though, if doctored up with more goat cheese and maybe less navy beans so that the flavor of the roasted butternut squash and caramelized mushrooms could stand out more.

( more intense Auflauf idea-spinning back here )

I had thought of making a second dish, but didn’t get around to it. I made that on Saturday, and it was tastier than the first dish, probably would have been a better option for the Auflauf, though I think it still wouldn’t have won based on the types of dishes that did win. This one was inspired by the fact that my favorite way to eat butternut squash is in curried butternut squash soup. That made me think Indian. My other inspiration, as I mentioned last week, was Moosewood’s Chilean butternut squash casserole, which I came across searching online. I thought and thought and thought and didn’t want corn in my Indian dish, or cheddar cheese. I could only think of chickpeas and spinach, sparked by another favorite dish of mine, something like Indian-flavored chickpeas and spinach with charred onions and rice. In the end, I did combine them, and the taste was good but did not compare to either of the two original inspirations, the soup or the yummy chickpeas and spinach dish. Still it was good, and warm and comforting, and quite healthy.

Kate’s Indian-spiced butternut squash casserole with mint yogurt sauce ( recipe back here )

My knee is telling me that I won't be back to my old exercise routine any time soon. I suppose there's nothing I can do but live with that. I've managed to incorporate most of my old cardio days back into my daily life this week, although the routines are shorter and less intense. I did two days back-to-back of 20 minutes on the elliptical, manual at a very low intensity level, and the knee told me that was too much. Fine, then. Back to 15 minutes per session.

Yesterday I went to a pilates class, a preliminary substitute for fitness yoga, which will substitute for body flow until I can go back to that. The class was pretty good, and she did very few exercises that asked anything at all of the knees (which was what I was hoping for and why I chose pilates for my first step back in). However, at one point she told us to go into child's pose and I didn't even think, just did it. Yeah, so, I think I'll be doing pilates for a lot longer than I'd originally intended. Ouch! And it *still* hurts this morning. Body flow, which definitely puts a lot of twisting and strength-holding demands on the knees, is a long way off. I love body flow and miss it so much. I need to find someone who goes to the yoga class to find out what kinds of poses the teacher typically likes to use to gauge how long to wait for that class. The suburban Y I go to with Marikay sometimes at lunch does tai chi instruction . . . I wonder if I could do that as well. Must check schedule. I bet it's a bunch of little old men and women, but I kind of enjoy tai chi, and something like that might help me miss body flow less.

I am counting PT as strength training, because they claim it is strengthening the muscles that stabilize the kneecap, but I remain unconvinced that much is happening, and it's not very strenuous. Still, I'm counting it. At this rate, I may never be back in body pump. I will miss it, but not nearly as much as I'd miss body flow if I had to give that up for good. My Y doesn't have great strength training options beyond body pump and the machines, which are not my favorite approach to strength training. There are these bodyvive classes, which are a combo of cardio and strength work that seems more about using your own body weight resistance, and I'm toying with trying those. But I went to the website to learn more about the class, and the description says something about how it's "ideal for active adults in their 40s, 50s, and 60s." Even worse, based on the described sample moves, I bet it will be too hard on my knee, at least for the next week or two.

Sigh. I am not in my 40s, 50s, and 60s, but apparently my body thinks it is, and I am forced to consider classes for active older adults, and fitness forms that are renowned because lots of Chinese elderly practice them in giant groups in Shanghai parks. I am feeling some self-pity right about now.

The other day, E-boy said that, yes, he'd like to be a chef for his job, but only after he has been a scientist first. At this point, all signs indicate he'll be well-suited to either, or both.

He's had some amazing bon mots lately, but of course they're all escaping me now. He alternatively sounds like a high falutin' and overly perceptive professor, and the creator of some new space alien super-hero combo video game.

He also has progessed from Guppy 2 to Minnow. He is with the same group of kids, though. When his teacher told him that he could be a Minnow after lessons last week, he freaked out and said he didn't want to be a Minnow because he didn't want to go into the next lane and swim with either one of those other groups. I assured him that his group was Guppy/Minnow combo. In his shoes, I've have been worried about moving over into the other lanes, too, where the Fish, Flying Fish, and Sharks all show off their talents and look eons ahead of the Guppies and the Minnows.

I've been feeling very idgy lately. That is my made-up word for a bit emotionally itchy and prickly and sensitive in all areas of life, with no real cause that I can see. I'm just . . . a bit off, and idgy about it, like when I'm with people who are walking too slowly and my legs start to phantom itch because I need to walk faster. It is all about me, definitely, and I know this, but unfortunately it manifests as being focused on all the people around me. She is bugging me, and her too, and that one over there, him, and her over there, and that dude, too. Kinda driving me crazy, as I would like not be so sensitive about every little thing that every single person does, or doesn't do, or says, or doesn't say, etc etc ad infinitum.

I'm struggling with what to bring to this Friday's potluck cookoff for E-boy's school. I don't know this group, so I have no idea what to expect in terms of how they eat or cook. The way I cook isn't necessarily easy for others to copy unless they cook like me. Seasonally, emphasis on ingredients and a bit of spontaneity. I've noticed that most people, dare I tread into troubled waters and say even many foodies that I know, don't cook like this. I haven't had any flashes of inspiration or creativity, which means that whatever I make could be untested (since I won't be doing any practice cooking today or tomorrow), unless I make something I've made before. I had thought of making something that others could replicate easily but would still be tasty -- there were rumors that our recipes would have to go in a collected cookbook -- but now I am leaning toward a more labor-intensive but yummy roasted butternut squash and mushroom lasagna.

Other things that I was trying to use for ideas:

I saw a recipe online based on a Moosewood recipe for a butternut squash casserole that seemed easy and got lots of rave reviews, which I thought of turning into something more Indian-inspired or ramping up the Mexican existing in the dish, but if there is lots of flavorful unhealthy goodness in the other offerings, this could get overlooked (the horror, it was so healthy it didn't have any cheese *or* non-veg carbs!).

Two of our favorite casseroles, which I won't make because they're not my ideas; I was hoping they would inspire me, though, but they haven't yet. One is a very yummy and relatively easy pasta, cauliflower, and tomato bake. The name is deceptive. It is so tasty. It has cream rather than cheese, a bit of red pepper flakes for zing, I think an herb, and a toasted bread crumb topping. We gobble this up. The other favorite of ours is a navy bean, goat cheese, and artichoke casserole. Also amazing. A fairly healthy flavor bomb, and good comfort food. But I didn't come up with it myself and I think it's just unique enough that using it would feel like cheating to me.

But now that I am randomly typing, I think the goat cheese could be something I could steal if I decide not to go with the lasagna. It's the goat cheese and the crispy bread crumbs and the smooth beans that make this dish so comforting and tasty. The artichokes don't hurt, but I think other veggies could work well, too.

I make a tex-mex pasta bake that is loosely based on a vegetarian 'mexican' lasagna I took out of an old Cooking Light magazine. The pasta bake is very tasty, but there's nothing particularly wow about it.

The dish I'd been tossing around but am not happy with was sort of like this, a deconstructed version of a butternut squash lasagna, with white beans and chunks of squash, some canned tomatoes, and pasta, and the main ingredients to be doctored up with herbs and spices and dairy. I could potentially tweak this with the goat cheese and bread crumbs, maybe a more interesting veg to add . . .

This weekend was mostly fun and productive, and also partly about just making it through having a houseguest without any major fights or meltdowns. Sometimes, that's just how it rolls, right? I've had some insights about Brits versus Americans that have intrigued me and helped me chill a bit. I also had some insights about my own motivations, background, and desires, and how it's shaped what I expect from my partner. So, that's cool, I guess. But I haven't had any time or space to *talk* about those insights with my partner, so we are just trying to coast through to the end with the smallest amount of mutual resentment possible. He sure has pushed some of my buttons, and it is amazing how little self-knowledge he apparently has, so deep has he buried things. How much button-pushing does he get away with due to his emotional incapacities? Not much more.

Houseguests. Gotta love 'em.

But the weekend.

The farmers' market was great. I got so much stuff. Three kinds of winter squash, red bell peppers, sweet frying peppers, alliums of various sorts, still more apples, broccoli, even fresh shiitake mushrooms. On the way home I stopped at the gym to use the elliptical for a full 15 minutes (uh, woohoo?). I think the elliptical is good now. No pain during or after. So, 20 minutes three times this week and if all goes well, increasing to near-normal workouts next week.

We walked around Lake Calhoun, which was lovely. My knee hurt terribly beginning about halfway through (I wasn't really supposed to be walking for exercise yet), but it recovered a bit afterwards, and didn't hurt much at all the next day. That is progress, and also is my knee giving my stubborn streak a break. So, I think walking will soon be back in the mix, too, maybe next week or the week after. Just, you know, not necessarily 3.5 miles to start (that was the lake plus into uptown for coffee, and back to the car).

Lots of games were played. Ticket to Ride, Alhambra, Loot. Lots of Bones Season 4 was watched. We're done now. The end was not as interesting as I thought it would be -- lots of interesting teasing throughout the season, but very little follow-through, and we all know how much we like all tease all the time with no follow through ever -- and I can't decide how I feel about the Brennan character anymore.

We got the backyard cleaned up -- all the plants out, pots emptied, etc. Where there was jungle, there is empty space, waiting for next year. I also made my diagram of the front garden, where so much change has occurred. Now it can snow and I will not panic that I won't remember where this year's perennials are located. Still need to do the back side shade garden diagram, but that is not so urgent. I also hung my gorgeous rainbow-colored corn, and cleaned and sprayed the pumpkins we'd picked up at the apple orchard last week, so they are ready for display by the front entrance. Sprayed? You may choose to think I am obsessive, which I am, a bit, though I'm far from the most obsessive person going, but I am trying lacquer spray on my outdoor pumpkins. They do look clean and shiny, but that's not why. This is my attempt to keep the squirrels from taking random tiny bites out of the outdoor winter squash, thus causing them to decay before their time. I had thought of using some sort of squirrel repellant like a hot pepper spray, but (a) we all know how well those work and (b) I figured I'd probably have to reapply that a lot. So, trying lacquer.

We've eaten well. Salad, spaghetti with slow roasted tomatoes, and apple crisp on Friday. Cheese fondue with bread and veggies to dip on Saturday. Potato and leek gratin with a side of sauteed sweet frying peppers yesterday.

Yesterday while E-boy was at 4H, I sat in the coffee shop and wrote for a bit instead of either hanging out at 4H (it's only 1-1/2 hours) or going back home to hang out. I am finding bits of time here and there to sit and write -- mostly assignments from workshop or jotting ideas, but still better than before. I now have at least seven ideas to partially fleshed out ideas, and one full-on piece actually started. Just need to keep this going when Marianne leaves and I have my headspace back again. [I am giving myself a break from pressure about actually working on writing a planned piece until she leaves, since headspace is hard to come by at this point.] I think I have a partial plan for how to shoehorn in the writing time, and how to balance that with shoehorning in workout time.

Oh, and apparently, I am funny. A dry kind of funny. Witty, to be precise. Who knew? And this is said to be a rare thing in someone who grew up in the midwest. [But we from the Chicago area don't really call ourselves midwesterners, anyway. We are Chicagoans. That's a different thing, right?] I may work on using my wit for evil instead of for good. That could be fun, and a bit out of character.

I kinda like it:

Aquarius

Writing in The New Yorker, Adam Gopnik named two characters from literature that well-educated people tend to identify with. "Men choose Hamlet because every man sees himself as a disinherited monarch," he said, while "women choose Alice [in Wonderland] because every woman sees herself as the only reasonable creature among crazy people who think that they are disinherited monarchs." That's a funny thought in light of your current omens, Aquarius, which suggest that you're a reasonable creature who clearly sees how much you're like a disinherited monarch. The omens go on to say that there's a good chance you will have excellent intuition about what to do in order to at least partially restore yourself to power.

At work, I can access part of lj, but not my friends page. That is banned by the network as social networking. So I wasted time checking all the likely suspects pages individually to see if they had posted anything. Much more time consuming than just peeking at my friends page.

And when I walked out to the car today, a little pile of heavy wet snow fell off a tree branch and onto my head. Yippee! It's quite pretty, really, but far too early. We haven't had much of a fall this year.

We had a good weekend, with two visitors in the house for much of it. I didn't make it to the baby shower and I felt guilt about that, but I really just wanted to hang out with family -- we ended up at a new and sweet apple orchard. I don't know why, but I am feeling socially challenged these days, sensitive and prickly. Plus, um, I love my friends, but I don't really love baby showers all that much. I'm sorry, don't hate me.

So. What is a weekend? Thai food. The mall (I bought stuff too!, it wasn't just the usual shoppers who partook in the experience). A silly kids' movie. Pizza delivered, wine, and games. Too many episodes of Bones. Apple crisp purposely made for breakfast, not merely left over. A brother and a mother in law, chats in the kitchen, and much use of the coffee pot and the tea kettle. A random friendly rottweiler in the backyard. The apple orchard (where they had live music which was quite fun, and yet still a calmer atmosphere than our two usual apple orchards). The craft store. An accidentally expensive trip to TJ's. Soup for dinner.

I need to find the neighbors today to see if they heard anything about that rottweiler and whether its owner was found. Because, much as our house is too small, and much as I don't love the idea of living with a dog, this was a very sweet and charming dog. And I know my husband enjoyed him quite a bit. And I'd rather live with a sweet and charming and smelly (imo, almost all dogs = smelly) dog in my too-small house and yard, than have something bad happen to it.

I'm back in SONAR land at work, and making progress. I am sure it will all be for naught, but it will be a good SONAR no matter what.

The boy had a fever yesterday evening, so he had to stay home from school today. I am going to go rescue his nana soon. I have a feeling he is well now, but we'll see when I get home -- some of the bugs going around are deceptive, or so I've heard. Despite the fever, he still had trouble falling asleep, and was upstairs chatting and giggling to himself, reading far too long, getting out of bed, etc. Then this morning at 6:30, he was up and insisting I let him listen to the radio while he went on and on to his half-asleep dad about all things bakugan.

The mother-in-law visit is in its early stages but fine so far. Of course, her son has yet to schedule any activities or time off to be with her, and that is ticking me off on her behalf, but that is not my problem. Must learn to disengage. I am thinking that this is part of the bottling up and shelving away of his feelings and responses, and I wonder if he even knows it. Or I could just be reading too much into it, because it's not like I have any tendencies to dissect the behaviors and underlying emotions of others or anything like that. Who, me?

Because we were all so chilled from the yucky weather yesterday, I made soup from things in the fridge for dinner instead of something more interesting. But it was tasty. Onions and carrots and garlic and red bell pepper and potatoes and kale and white beans and garden herbs and lemon. And a bit of asiago on top for serving. And apple raspberry crisp for dessert. I have plans involving frozen tortellini and dark-skinned garden tomatoes for tonight's dinner. Alas, I think I bought the butternut squash kind instead of the mushroom kind, so it won't be quite as ideal as I'd like, but still good.

I have a new author crush -- I'm enjoying this book quite a bit (it's not high literary art, but it is well-written, easy, insightful, visual, and speaking to me) and for some reason went to the author's website and discovered that she is cool and has good tips for writers and is a pen name for a woman who has written quite a bit and seems quirky but in a girl-next-door, everyone else probably presumes she's mainstream kinda way. Like me. I'm not even jealous, just inspired. www.bridgetasher.com.

My knee is feeling better but when will I be able to run? I don't think anything is different yet, so if I try to run, I have a feeling the same old problem will recur. But I *am* ready to go back to the cardio room at the gym over tomorrow's lunch hour.

I think that's all I've got for now.

Movies I want to see (but how will I find the time?):

The Informant
Whip It
A Serious Man
Zombieland
The Invention of Lying
Capitalism: A Love Story
Disgrace

Today someone else will clean my house. I expect them to think us disgusting creatures because, other than straightening and washing one simple thing that gets really gross and was super-duper obvious, I did not clean gross things in preparation for their arrival. There is much extreme grossness left for them to tackle. Muchly muchly. And I know where it is, so I'll be checking it to see how thorough they are. I've heard that other people let their embarrassment drive them to clean before the cleaning folks arrive. I am letting my distaste for cleaning and the significant amount of money I'm shelling out drive me to not care that they will see how little we clean our house. I mean, clearly, there's a reason I'm paying a cleaning service to clean my house and it isn't because I do lots of cleaning.

I've been thinking about connections and how much I do or do not have in common with people lately, and how much that does or does not matter. It's been interesting thinking. I don't know if it will lead anywhere, like friendships strengthening or weakening, or forming where there are none, or becoming something different, or like writing projects developing (some of my random idea notes have sprung from this thinking, but not the things I actually want to write about).

Here's a Friday semi-confession that sprung from this thinking on Monday, when I walked by a Pottery Barn, and again today when I saw a Crate and Barrel ad. I like these stores. I've shopped at these stores. A lot of the people I spend irl or virtual time with do not, and I think actively even scoff (at least in their heads) these stores as quotidien, bourgouis, the opposite of individual style. But I like them. I also like hipster trash style, and modern country style, eclectic color-based style, and artsy style, and snobby loft style, when they're done as a style and not as a lack of effort, but the reality is, it takes a lot of work to have real individual style in your home, as opposed to the other choices, which I think mostly are (a) no style and (b) style purchased from a store. Since I do not have the energy to have real individual style permeating my house, I'm okay with some of choice (b) being in my house. Because it's pretty, and comfortable.

Isn't it fascinating that I think I *do* have the energy to have real individual style in my yard and garden, but not my house? I've been thinking about that. It has something to do with pressure, but I'm not sure what it is. (And that's not all it is, either. There's at least two other aspects to the problem.) When I look at the kitchen, I know exactly what I want it to look like, but that project has languished for two years now. In fact, in almost every room of the house, I know what I want to do but I haven't done it.

A confession that leads to more pondering. Those are the best kind.

How did it get to be October already? And how did October get so full? No more plans or parties or meetings please, I do not have the time or the headspace.

Chicago is soooooo hepped up about the Olympics. Think what you want, I'd love a Chicago Olympics, and I may be jaded by growing up there but I also think there's some benefit to visible corruption problems as opposed to hidden ones, especially when everything else is so wonderful. Those who live in places without visible corruption issues think they don't have corruption, or at least hardly any corruption and I hate to break it to ya, but you've got corruption. Move on off your horse.

But along that vein, the one thing I will say in print about certain movie directors and defending or not defending, and life is complicated and people are complicated, and you can contribute brilliant art even if you have committed bad acts, but the law is a bright line for a reason (because like it or not, even bad acts can sometimes get complicated or muddly and hard to see), is this: If someone runs away in a grand manner, then the fact is, it isn't the system or the victim who has tarnished that person's career and accomplishments, casting a decades long pall over it all. It is the person who ran who did that, who extended the drama and the talk and the controversy by choosing to run rather than to own and atone and then let things blow over to the degree that they can blow over. Because the remarkable thing in this world is how often things blow over, even really big things.

PT is made of evil. But we already knew that. I don't know if it was the fact of PT which was an hour of manipulation that didn't hurt at the time (as always, right?), plus easy exercises that make it hard to believe they'll work, plus putting a piece of tape from my kneecap to the inside of my leg. This may help it track better, and may help remind the muscles on the inside that they are supposed to be working to hold the kneecap in place, it's not just the job of the outside muscles. I was to wear this as a test yesterday unless there was pain or discomfort, with the caveat that sometimes it's hard to know when something is just different as opposed to painful. Well, I think I did not recognize the line well enough. I mean, mostly it did not hurt at all and there was not discomfort. But I could feel the bones inside there moving up against each other whenever I moved, and I was not sure whether that was what I was supposed to feel. And then late in the day there were some moments of pain. But just fleeting moments, you know, like when I would walk around a corner there would be a jab of pain. Okay, okay, a semi-incapacitating jab of pain. But just a jab, right, then whoop, back to normal. At any rate, I didn't take the tape off and probably I should have because front and back, inside and out hurt like all heck today. How much of this is the tape versus the manipulation is hard to know. Which is why I should have taken off the tape, because now I have no way of knowing whether the pain would have happened anyway.

There is H1N1 all around us. It's officially arrived at MDE and we got an email to that effect yesterday. Please, people, do wash your hands a lot. Today we got an email from the Commissioner of Health reminding us about the state's plan for proceeding forward this flu season. There are color levels like the terror alert, but I am not a supervisor so I won't know the state's H1N1 alert level unless my boss forwards another email like she did today, the one where I learned the color levels and their definitions; at all but the first level, the green level, there are recommendations to cut back on non-essential agency services, and as you go up the color levels, that grows from recommendations to requirements to more service cutbacks to suspending all state services; let's hope we never leave the green level, yes? I remembered to take my allergy pill and my vitamins, and I added an immunity supplement, because until allergy season is over, I'm a walking incubator (I think mostly for bacteria, not virus, but I am not particularly knowledgeable about these things).

livsmama will be proud of me because I actually chatted up someone at workshop last night, *including* suggesting that we get coffee or tea sometime. Yep, that was me practicing my networking and socializing and circle-expanding skills. Her name is Madonna. I would not lie to you.

Ideas brim forth. Now it's time for action. I have a plan, I do!

I did manage some cooking this week. After Monday's rushed and half-eaten dinner of frozen ravioli in jarred sauce, Tuesday was a cherry tomato and goat cheese tart with rosemary crust, green salad with homemade green goddess dressing, *and* an apple crisp. And it wasn't even hard or stressful. Wednesday was this year's preferred mix of sauteed onions and peppers and cherry tomatoes with garden herbs, but I did in fact finally serve it with quinoa instead of pasta. It was quite tasty, but came off completely different with different undertones and overtones on the tongue, which surprised me. Tonight will involve roasted fingerling potatoes and other good things.

T minus 53 hours until Marianne arrives.

1. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson.
2. The Last Knight, Hilari Bell.
3. When Will There Be Good News?, Kate Atkinson.
4. Yellow Raft in Blue Water, Michael Dorris.

This was a good reading month. I loved all the books I read, they were all compelling and they were all so different.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was a book I devoured. It had good pacing, good mystery, interesting characters, and a unique sensibility that I suppose I could chalk up to its Swedishness, but maybe it was just this book, this author. I really enjoyed how this book unfolded its characters, its interrelationships, its storylines, its landscape. It had the most modern feel and sensibility of all the books I read this month.

The Last Knight was displayed in the teen section of the library and its cover quotes, author description and previous awards, and art drew me in. Usually I like to start at the beginning of the series but since this was YA, and a random pick at that, I decided to just plunge in. It was a funny book with two interesting main characters. This is fantasy with a modern twist, I'd say. I don't really read much fantasy these days. I don't know that this book had much to say about human nature (something that really compels my reading, I think), but it had great value as a read anyway.

When Will There Be Good News? is either my second favorite Kate Atkinson book, or tied for my most favorite Kate Atkinson book, and it solidified for me that Kate Atkinson is my favorite author at the moment. To me, this book was so beautifully structured, and its characters and interwoven stories so perfectly done. By far my favorite book in this particular series of hers. I do hope she writes again soon.

Yellow Raft in Blue Water is by a controversial dead author, someone I'd never heard of until Susan brought this up for book group. She mentioned his "troubles" and so I went to look him up before I read the book. I was worried that what I learned would color my opinions of the book, but really all that happened was that reading the book made me wistful in the face of the trueness that we humans are all complicated, and that there is no such thing as black and white when it comes to the qualities of the human heart and soul. I do not think this book was the greatest authorial debut of the late 20th century, as I read somewhere on the web when I was reading about him. But now that I have finished it I want to read it again. This book had a lot to say about being human and moving through the world with other humans, how perception both plagues us and challenges us, how what we know or don't know colors what we believe about ourselves and others. It contains moments of brilliant description, dialogue, and understanding by a man of what it is to be a girl or a woman. It is a story told in three parts, from the perspectives of the granddaughter, the daughter, and Aunt Ida. It is lovely, and the writing in the first section was so evocative of place and age that I at first did think we may have lost one of our greatest authors ever, either to his own wrongdoings or to his own frailty we can never know.

1. I wish we had a living room here at work. Some space with lots of couches. The only space that has comfy seating is the lobby and that is not a good space for what I want to do right now. I could go to the bookstore. I might go to the bookstore, but then I might buy books or chai.

2. My knee has swollen back up again. No amount of ibuprofen and icing seems to be helping it today. I swear I only jogged, what, six *steps* yesterday. Darnit all, I had been exercising for a year and now I don't get to exercise at all. Sometimes my body needs to *move*.

3. Some people do not get the concept of not doing anything. When I watch them and realize they don't get the concept of not doing anything I am left pondering why. Is it because they have a lot of energy, and I am lacking in that energy? Is it because they can't, for whatever reason, be alone with themselves and nothing to do?

4. Here is the example that makes me think about that. We have started planning our big Maskenball party and I went to the meeting yesterday, the combined meeting of the planning committee and the silent auction committee. It was called by X. X led the meeting. X listed what had already been done and what has yet to be done. We talked and X gathered information from last year's committee members, ideas for going forward etc. X announced that we have the event location secured; we have the entertainment; X had checked out the menus of the caterers who can supply to the place and selected the best menu; X will be getting the website up by mid-October; X has updated the form letter for silent auction solicitations; X has talked with the artist who will design our theme and materials for posters, invites, etc, and is having a formative meeting with the artist tomorrow. All of this has happenend and/or been shared during the course of the meeting. Then X says, we need a chair for the planning committee and a chair for the silent auction committee. And, I would prefer not to be involved in the planning. I will be ex officio. Uh, ex officio to what? You (a) already organized everything so that there is NOTHING left to plan, and (b) you won't relinquish what is remaining, that is, working with the artist to develop the materials that will shape and represent our event. You are not getting the concept of ex officio. If it were this one thing, I could get it. But it is not this one thing. It is the bulb sale and the teacher photos and the auflauf (potluck cook-off)and the MAIN parents group and the and the and the.

5. This makes me wonder. Should I say something to X? Would this be of any use, or would it make her defensive? Those following along over time will know that I've contemplated saying something to X before, maybe suggesting that we go out for coffee/tea. Or is it better to just let her do everything because that is what makes her comfortable? [Plus, she's good at it.] I'm pretty sure it's her crutch, but maybe I'm reading things wrong. I mean, should I point out one of two things. You're doing a lot, and you're not letting go, do you just want to sit down and have coffee and do nothing with me? Or maybe, more specifically, should I point out, it's hard for the planning committee to go forward and do its work if you, our ex officio member, do everything? Maybe you should have committee members along when you meet with the artist. Maybe you should have committee members sit next to you while you do the website so that we learn how to do it. Because right now you are not acting ex officio and I know that you're scared this will fail, but how can anyone else help you if you do everything? Or, at the very least, maybe we should change the labels so that you are the planner and we are the event facilitation committee, and we only do the grunt work that needs to be done closer to the time of the event.

6. I hesitate to say anything because I'm not sure I have the energy to back me up if saying something results in me having to do as much as, or even half as much as, X is doing right now.

7. I have been unable to do my writing work this week. The assignments are core to self and so it freaks me out that I've been unable to come up with any ideas. Does this mean I have no passions or self-shaping moments in my life?

8. Mondays are very hard in our house (well, for two of us; one of us gets to go straight from work to a coffee shop for an evening of game-playing). I talked to another third-grade parent here at work today and was very happy to learn that I am not alone. Scheduling and homework wrangling and the family balancing act are getting harder. It's not just me.

9. I may have to re-think my entire schedule in order to better facilitate life. I am mulling and chewing on this.

10. I haven't been cooking much lately and I have all these good fresh vegetables languishing around the house. It's depressing.

11. Fall arrived. It's cold and windy now.

12. October is filling up fast. If you're planning something, better hop to it. That could just as easily apply to me as anyone else.

13. Ghost stories, anyone?

Lazy Friday evening at home with pizza from the local pizza spot, games, and mystery shows on dvd.

Saturday morning was reading and tea and pumpkin pie muffins, followed by a trip to the science museum to use our expiring free tickets. As usual, we enjoyed the dinosaurs and fossil exploration, the weather experiments, and some of the sound wave and electricity experiments best. We did watch the omnimax movie since we had free tickets, but I thought it was only okay -- often my response to omnimax movies. We didn't see the Titanic exhibit because I didn't want to spend $28 dollars on that when (a) C-man had already seen it 15 years ago with litos in London, (b) I was not that interested, (c) even though E-boy expressed great interest because they've been advertising around town, I was pretty sure he wouldn't find it all that interesting, and (d) the movie was about the Titanic, so I told him it covered what he would have seen in the exhibit.

We bought stones at the store and went home for lazy house cleaning and yard prep, and then it was time for the neighborhood block party (used up some of my green beans in a salad for that). I spent just enough time there to feel neighborly before I walked up the block to meet Marikay and Cecelia and scoot off to see Bright Star, the new Jane Campion movie. This was a desperately gorgeous movie. Beautiful and compelling. Highly recommended. The whole thing was spot-on for me. I admired but didn't connect to The Piano, but this movie was exactly what I wanted from it.

Sunday was another slow start, followed by cleaning and organizing and yardwork and planning. then there was cookie baking, at which point I discovered I had no more semisweet chocolate chips left, so I had to use white chocolate. Sweeter, but not inedible. Note to self: buy chocolate chips! Then it was off to the park for a windy 4-H welcome picnic. More neighborly bonding and creating those connections for myself and for E-boy. We have a great neighborhood, I don't say that enough. The people are good people, and they are interesting and passionate and progressive and involved. Good people.

Then to the wine place for good wine that made my face go red, talk about book group and medieval knights and dates and unfortunate food. We finished early because *some* people are over-committed these days, and not getting enough sleep. But this was good because I had time to go to the grocery store before my carriage turned into a pumpkin.

Read some Howliday Inn to the boy-child, and sent him off to bed. Little did I know that I was also sending the man off to bed (until I went to tuck him in and discovered C-man under the covers and already half asleep), so by 8:30 I had the house to myself for tea and reading myself to sleep on the couch.

And that's a weekend. Social stuff mixed with quiet time in the right balance.

Yesterday I experienced quite deeply something I haven't experienced this strongly in a while, something I've been working on irradicating from my life and head and heart. I was quite certain all was wrong with me, everyone was looking at me funny and thinking me too weird, too wrong, too ugly, too loud. This is not a nice feeling and I tried hard not to self-edit through it. But there you go. This is the remnant of the core self-belief I have carried around with me since childhood. What is that core belief? I believe that there truly is something wrong with me. That I am defective and broken. I'm working on replacing it with a different core belief, but these things take time.

So yesterday, every time someone looked at me I thought, 'what's wrong with me? Did I do something too outrageous or too mean or too ridiculous or just plain not right? No? Then there must be something wrong in how I look. But my friends aren't saying anything, and they would say something because they're good friends. So I must just not fit in here. I must not belong.'

I'm glad I noticed the feeling and labelled it for what it was. Not glad it's back, though. I am experiencing intensely strong sadness and anxiety just typing up this post.

I guess I have some internal work to do this week.

Well, I'm not crazy.

It's just that my kneecaps are not in the right place. They don't "subluxate" anymore like they did when I was in my teens and early 20's, but they do hurt, especially the right one (which is so far off to one side on the xray it's kind of funny). So I get PT again, and an explanation for why my knee hurts when I'm sitting on the couch (how unfair is that, that my knee hurts when I'm relaxing?). And also for all the clicking it makes when I move it.

I'm not super-convinced that PT will help all *that* much, but it can't hurt. Plus, it will involve going to the running clinic, at least for an initial running evaluation with gait training and shoe selection and all those other good things that hopefully will get me started on the right foot, so to speak. That will improve my chances of success with running, so I am very happy that my doctor knows that exercise goals are good, and is making it part of my health care so that I don't have to pay for it all myself (see, she is smart, when people have to pay for that stuff themselves, they don't do it and then they get injured or else they don't exercise and risk developing all sorts of costly chronic problems . . . so much more cost-effective for the health insurance just to pay for me learn how to run properly and safely with bad knees).

The funny bit is that of course I've dropped a few pounds during my week of no exercise and much hobbling -- for whatever reason and of course, as usual, there are many potential factors so it's hard to isolate the one. This makes the lack of working out a little more bearable, especially since I'm officially on BodyPump and BodyFlow hiatus until my PT says I can do them.

The weather this weekend was glorious. Spent much time on the patio, chatting, reading, sipping, eating, playing games, doing homework, plotting (only menus, unfortunately). Truly a beautiful weekend. And since I was still on exercise break, went to two farmer's markets, and didn't even leave the house until after 7 to accomplish this task.

I told livsmama a while back that I really don't each much pasta anymore and, while that's true, all I've been able to do with the late summer bounty of this year is to make pasta dishes. Or bruschetta. I can't help it. There are cherry tomatoes of all colors and red peppers and onions and now a resurgence of green beans. In my backyard there is marjoram and oregano and thyme. In my cupboard there is blissfully yummy 20-year casked balsamic vinegar, for cheap-ish because it is TJ's. In my fridge there is very little cheese left, but there is hard italian cheese, asiago and parmesano reggiano. I am compelled to put these ingredients together and, when push comes to shove, it's somehow easier and also tastier in my imagination to serve it with whole wheat pasta than with quinoa. Perhaps it would taste just as good on quinoa.

Yesterday I did manage to break ranks and make sauteed cherry tomatoes in indian flavors, among other things. Yummy!

We, and when I say we I mean C-man with my minimal assistance for various reasons including my knee situation and the usual division of labor in the garden (me, small plants, him, big plants), got the following accomplished dans le jardin:

( herein lies much garden blathering, mostly in breathless list form )

I am full of creativity now, so this week's goal is to see the doctor, figure out a new fall exercise regime, and figure out how to fit in some writing time. Baby steps on the writing time, I think. But I do have ideas, which is a nice change of pace.

I also already have a list the length of my arm of movies I want to see this season. Hurrah for movies! And hurrah for movie-watching partners! Must call the babysitter, and her mother, often this season.

I have new shoes -- several pairs, in fact -- and have been following the spring fashion shows. Not that I'll be buying any of that stuff, but . . . it's good to be back, looking at and thinking about beautiful, inspiring things.

Life is good.

Good things.

Most every day, I pick up E-boy from school, ask him how his day was, and he says "Great!" Sometimes I get a "Best day ever!" In terms of positivity, I think I am in the middle, I can be both positive and negative in my thinking and my approach to the world. I would like to be more positive than I am, but I am not the most negative person going. [I hope!] E-boy has been a fairly negative person lately, both due to being eight and to having had a trying year in his family, so it is so nice to hear him having a positive attitude at the end of his school day. Especially since it started off badly that first week. In talking to co-workers who know about such things, it sounds like his resiliency is improving a lot. And that is good on so many levels.

I am connecting more to other parents at school. I talked at some length to three parents at yesterday's back-to-school picnic, getting to know them better. I need to do this a lot before I feel comfortable with people, so it's good that it's happening and feels natural.

Friday is here.
Projects are starting to move along, both in the system and in my head.
The weather has been gorgeous lately.
There will be cake. Baked by me.
I've sold about 17 Blue Sky Guides already. Maybe more, by the end of the day?
I have hope that I can recover from my knee injury -- whatever it is -- and not get too far off my fitness goals.
The doctor *sounds* like she will be just right for what I need.
I'm going to get my house and couch cleaned by others. I swear I will make this happen in the next two weeks.

The only bad . . .

Riding my bike is *not* a good non-weight-bearing exercise substitute. Tried it yesterday on the recommendation of two running colleagues who also have knowledge of the associated injuries, and the front of the knee definitely said it was unhappy. Whatever I did, I definitely injured it.